Stazjia’s Commentary

Thoughts about dying

Posted on: July 7, 2008

It’s very strange thinking that I could die at any time. It was brought home to me again yesterday at the end of the Men’s Single Final at Wimbledon when Roger Federer said he’d be back next year. I thought, ‘Oh, good, maybe he’ll win again’ (not that I have anything against Nadel). The next thing I thought about was that maybe I wouldn’t be here to see it. Maybe I’ve just watched my last Wimbledon Fortnight on TV this year.

Because I can’t work now, I don’t have much money. It’s OK, I’m not asking for donations! No, what I was thinking about was getting a Christmas presents over the next few months, maybe making some peaches in brandy as gifts. Then I realised, I might not be here for Christmas. I’m even in two minds about spending money on some wellington boots for when I take the dogs out in the rain. It seems a waste if I’m not going to get much wear out of them.

I’m not walking around being miserable about all this. It feels more like being sensible. I’ve just bought birthday gifts for my two nephews, both 2 years old, one at the end of September and the other 10 days later in October. I’ll give one gift to my brother for his son and the other to my sister for her son. They’ll each have a long lasting gift from me even if they won’t remember me.

The thing about knowing I’m not going to live very long is that it’s a bit like knowing I’m going to miss the ending of a novel or TV series. What is going to happen in the lives of the people I care about after I’ve gone?

I don’t think about this all the time. In fact, I still plan what I’m going to do. For example, I’ve got lots of ideas for new Squidoo lenses. I’m part the way through making a patchwork quilt and I plan to finish it and use it. I still want to get my free bus too and ride the buses free of charge!

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